Therapy for the “Unemotional” man
As men, we receive many strong messages about our emotions.
Growing up, American men learn that there is a general rule of social tolerance (i.e. the tolerance from other men), of two common emotions: anger and excitement.
Think of your experiences in sports, academics, and social gatherings, especially amongst other men.
You’re allowed to celebrate and get excited over promotions, music, sports, or being a parent. You’re allowed to yell, party, or jump. These celebrated behaviors are deemed gender-appropriate.
And anger, we often are coached to see anger as a brute force, an expression of hyper-protection and masculinity, and we as men have come to expect anger as an immediate response to any unwanted experience. So much so, that when we see a young man cry or hide himself in disappointment, rather than yell and grit his teeth with anger, it often catches our attention.
SO, WHY DO MEN SOMETIMES EXPRESS A NARROW RANGE OF EMOTIONS?
In our ongoing relationships in childhood and adulthood, we have evolved to adapt to the expectations of others. Think of it like any living species on earth: in order to survive, you will need the protection, acceptance and unconditional support of any parent or guardian.
Attachment theory offers that, as humans, this also includes emotional and personal expression. When our caregivers or our communities deem a behavior, an emotion, or experience to be intolerable, we are exceptionally good at recognizing it; we then learn that, in order to receive emotional care and acceptance, we must filter or entirely block out some forms of expression.
So, when a young boy becomes sad, embarrassed, or nervous, and receives a reprimand rather than a comforting, or reassuring response, he pays attention.
As men, we inherit gender norms early that often present guidelines on how we may express ourselves. And as we grow up, we may see these norms enforced in our ongoing communities at home, at work, or with friends. To express an ‘inappropriate’ or especially vulnerable emotion, as men, may open us up to ridicule or criticism by other men, or the special attention of women–either one, often drawing an undesired or embarrassing degree of attention. Adapting or curbing our emotions then, ensures that we are met with the acceptance of other men, and security in our experiences of masculinity.
THE COSTS OF EMOTIONAL MUTING:
In order to manage, then, we find new ways of emotional expression, and they can be complex. Our emotions are often connected to one another-one person might experience sadness as a way of coping with anger, and another might express anger as a way of coping with heartbreak. When we learn that, in order to find acceptance in our lives, we must change our emotions, we do. And we do it very successfully.
But then, we often hit a point when we struggle. We experience things in life that weigh us down, and we lack the vocabulary or skills to sit with and experience our emotions. Or, we enter into relationships where our emotional expression and sensitivity becomes crucial for connection. Our partners ask us to express what’s wrong, or how we are feeling, and we get stuck. We may struggle to access feelings of fear, sadness, loneliness, embarrassment, worry, shame, or insecurity.
When we cannot express our emotions, we suppress or resist them at a cost to our own wellbeing. The outcome, is that we isolate, and can become lonely or depressed, anxious, or use external means to cope.
THE BENEFITS OF EMOTIONAL LITERACY:
While emotions are often shortchanged as weak, or secondary to logic, emotions are an evolutionary guide to our internal sense of direction and our body’s adaptiveness to its environment. We have adapted to feel angry when we are wronged, scared when we feel threatened, sad when we have lost something, and disgusted when we encounter something we know to avoid. They are not only a protective guide, but they can provide us with a sense of what we feel is right and wrong, and act as our internal wiring for desire.
And most importantly, emotions are one of the most crucial elements of communication in our relationships. They drive us to feel and communicate when something is off, when we feel distant or harmed by our partners, or when we want or need closeness in our relationships.
How Therapy Can Help:
Therapy can help by allowing a place for men to identify and build their emotional vocabulary. When we face new circumstances, conflict, or exploration, we benefit from a place where we can sort our thoughts and reactions, and identify our feelings in response. And then, we can process and experience our feelings in a therapeutic relationship, which is where the change happens. When we can build our feelings from the ground up, and experience them interpersonally, we find relief. Because, when we feel more connected to our bodies and our internal experiences, we have the ability to act with the knowledge that these emotions bring, and we can process them in an accepting environment.
In short, when we can process and experience our emotions in therapy, we feel more relief in our everyday lives, we feel more confident in the decisions we make, and we improve at finding and maintaining positive relationships.
Your struggles with connecting with emotions are not a sign of your own failure, but rather, your success in adapting to an environment that once demanded it. And, if you want to see changes- in your sense of relief, in your relationships, and in your work life, therapy can be the powerful tool to see that change.
Written by Benjamin Carter, MHC-LP